Emotional Roller Coaster

 As I was leaving for work this morning, (my last weekend at the job), the sun was shining, that sweet golden glow only Spring mornings have, and the robins were holding choir practice at the feeder. I mowed the lawn yesterday for the time this season, and the scent of fresh-cut grass and ocean breezes filled the air. Sitting in the truck, I looked back at the house and felt this intense wave of doubt and fear wash over me. 

Are we doing the right thing? We are aren't we? Right? This is our dream, our chance to move to the mountains and to the wide-open spaces both of us thrive on. This is the opportunity we've been waiting for. It's a seller's market. The time is NOW! Our little diamond in the rough will make us the money that will finance our next adventure. It's truly now or never.

So why am I so terrified we might be making a mistake?

The house has come together beautifully. We've been working hard to enhance her curb appeal and a part of me wonders why we didn't do it for ourselves all the years we've lived there. I looked at her through the eyes of a potential buyer pulling up to the curb for the first time and my heart skipped a few beats. She is truly a sweet little house and with the love we've shown her the past month, she's glowing. I couldn't help but feel panicked.

What happens once we sign the papers and deed her rights over to the next family? 

The second we hand the key over to the Realtor for the last time, we'll effectively be homeless. The very thought makes my stomach churn and my heart beat erratically. 

I'd love to think we'll find a place while we're accepting an offer on our home and that we'll just slide out of one home and into another, but I'm also a realist (my husband calls me a pessimist). The fact that it's a seller's market isn't exclusive to the Cape. COVID has pushed people out of the cities, people like us, who want to find some peace during this upside time of our lives. While there are houses out there, we've been window shopping, I also know that they are going fast everywhere. The chances of finding what we want and getting the first one are highly unlikely. There's going to be some disappointment and heartbreak in between.

That in-between space has me doubting everything and it's making me crazy. 

I know in my heart we will find what we're looking for. I know at some point I'll be holding the key to someone else's pride and joy and will truly enjoy making it our own, but the not knowing, that cold dark space of in-between, of what we'll do with ourselves, our fur babies, our plant babies, have me dramatizing and hyperbolizing every feeling to the point where calling it all off seems tempting. 

Maybe we're meant to be here forever. (We're not). Maybe we can spend some more money on this house and make it our dream home. (We won't). Maybe we don't need so many acres to be happy. (We do). Maybe the Cape is where we're meant to retire. (It's not).

I know these feelings are normal. I also know that if we don't find a house right away, and can't find a rental, we have a safe space at a friend's house, but it's still scaring the shit out of me. I am a creature of habit, even if it's not healthy habits. Routine is my safety net. This move is SO out of my comfort zone - I doubt my resilience and strength. I don't know if I can do this and not lose my mind. I like safe, but safe isn't living, and I'm SO ready to live. 

I am very lucky that I have a strong partner who peels me off the ceiling every day. He is the optimist in the relationship and is more than ready for the adventure, no matter what it brings. I don't know if I could do this if I were on my own. I'm more of a stick your head in the sand kind of person and I'd probably have shriveled up and died in this house left to my own devices, rather than experience any type of discomfort. He pushes me out of my little nest and into the real world all the time. 

This just feels SO much bigger and it's fucking terrifying! 

I close my eyes and try to breathe, and envision our new home. I know that the day we sign papers and start our next phase of life, it will be amazing, and that we'll be so grateful for it all. I know that I will make our next space amazing and that in a few years I will look back on all of this angst and laugh. I know that even if it takes some time, we'll find what we've been dreaming about, but I wish I could skip over the in-between parts and just wake up in the next place!

So, to my friends, if I am snappy, sappy, emotional, and distant, it's not you. I promise. It's me. 

Forgive me. I'm just trying to manifest my dreams.

CURRENT MOOD: Tearful

LISTENING TO: Starting Over, Chris Stapleton

QUOTE OF THE DAY: The future lies ahead, calling us up, offering us a new chance to make a new choice every day, offering us a chance to go another way, to start over. The possibilities are endless. All you have to do is dare to take them. - Zoe Haslie